Rewind and Play

2014

---

Alice

I realise how big of a mistake we were oh-so-close to make when the phone rings. I can now confirm the vibe is there, and that I have indeed not imagined anything. And that I was just a second away from not caring about anything at all.

Samuel is looking at me with eyes big with surprise, like he’s just woken up from a forbidden dream. He tries to school his features into a neutral expression, but I can see the guilt and longing shimmering there. His eyes are framed by long, long eyelashes. They are beautiful.

I don’t want to go, but I have to. It’s going to be better that way, considering I am but a disruption in his life. In the same breath, I am already mourning the spark I’ve felt since I’ve met him again.

I reach around Samuel to pick up the phone and answer the call, leaning my forehead on his shoulder, because I can’t move away without touching him one more time. He doesn’t move away.

“Alice! Where are you? Why aren’t you home yet? Are you ok?”

Anna.

Fuck.

“Hey mom, all good, yes.” I proceed to tell her about the trip to the store, and the restaurant, and the ditch, and then I lie a little and tell her that I’ve already called the carro attrezzi.

“Your aunt should pay if the car is wrecked, you were out because you were doing her a favour!” says Anna, indignant.

“It’s going to be ok; we were going slow.”

“We? Where are you again?”

“Samuel was with me, remember? I’m at his place. I was about to come home.”

“Oh, yeah, ok.  I’ll wait until you are home to start making dinner.”

“Ok, see you in a bit.”

I hang up but can’t move.

I suddenly feel equally tired, and in a hurry to leave.

I start to move away.

“Ali.”

Samuel puts one hand under my chin and he stops me while I am trying to get up, hand lightly touching my wrist.

We are still so close.

My mouth moves of its own accord: “Why did you marry her?” I ask, so low that, for a second, I’m sure he hasn’t heard me.

Samuel looks at me, his eyes so big, his face so serious, for once.

He sighs. Closes his eyes.

“I can’t just… Erase everything like that. I couldn’t be that much of a dick to her. She doesn’t deserve it.”

“I understand.”

And I do understand. We aren’t teenagers anymore; you can’t just break up with a letter and move on. I am not angry, or disappointed. Maybe the universe is not playing fair, bringing us together again like this, but that’s not Samuel’s fault either. Surely, this feeling will pass. Surely, we can just be friends.

I will go away soon, in a couple of months. This will be forgotten, no harm done.

I move away from him, slowly. His hand slides away from my hand in a caress that has my fingertips tingling. I get up and collect the almost dry socks from near the stove. Once socks and shoes are back on, I make a move for the jacket and for the door.

The first side of the record is long finished and neither has turned it.

I don’t think I’ll be listening to ABBA in a while. Way to ruin a perfectly good record.

“I would understand if you felt like you wanted eh… some space. You don’t have to help me with the spreadsheets or anything.”

“Are you going to help me with the painting?”

“Of course.”

“Then I am going to help you too. I am here for some more time. I would like to keep seeing you as much as I can, if that’s ok.”

My voice has become something small and thin. There’s a lump in my throat and my eyes are watery. Fuck no, I won’t cry here. I will do all of that on my way home, thank you very much.

We are at the door now.

Samuel looks like his day has gone from fantastic to shit in the space of twenty minutes. He tries heroically to look like we are not in deep shit, and he fails.

“I will text you tomorrow, so you can come and pick up the stuff, if the weather has improved.”

My stupid silly heart cracks a little: “That’s ok, Sami. Thanks. I am really sorry.” 

“What are you sorry for? You didn’t do anything.”

“I used my dark magic to lure you into almost doing something we might both regret.” The joke comes out half-hearted but at least I am trying not to look as affected as I feel.

“Ah, so, that’s dark magic. I thought it was perfume I smelled.”

A very weak smile makes an appearance on both our faces. Samuel still looks a little dazed, like he can’t quite believe what has just almost happened.

That makes two of us.

The day has been long, and great for the most part; but now I am suddenly tired, and I want to be in bed.

Fuck it, Samuel Marchetti is far too attractive for his own good.

“So, friend. I will see you soon,” I say, opening the door.

“Not if I see you first.”

“Dad jokes, great. Bye.”

I walk out into the snow that has kept falling, because the world keeps moving despite what’s just happened.

---

As soon as the warmth of the apartment hits me, I feel like sitting down there and then. I could swear my feet are still tingling after all the attention dedicated to them.

“Are you ok?”

Anna is standing in front of me, waving her hand in front of my face.

I slowly focus on her, and murmur: “Yeah, all good. Gonna get changed, will be in for dinner in five minutes.”

All I really want to do is curl up on myself and sleep for fifteen hours.

I did eventually call the carro attrezzi while walking home, and they confirmed they will pick up the poor little Ka during the night and park it in front of the apartment, so at least there’s that.

“Hey Alice!”

Laura is sitting on the bed, wearing a pyjama and typing something on her laptop, happy with the world. While at the same time relishing some downtime and being alone, it comforts me to see my little sister. I am not sure I can stand a full dinner with Anna without her.

“Are you ok?” Two times in two minutes, my face must be doing something really funny.

I let myself fall next to her and, chin in my hand, staring at nothing, I babble: “I almost kissed Samuel Marchetti, not an hour ago.”

“What?!”

Laura turns toward me and closes her laptop slowly.

“I believe there is much we need to talk about. But… do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really, but I think it would do me good. Maybe?”

“Ali, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like that. Are you ok?”

“Not really, no. I don’t know what just happened. I asked him why did he marry Vittoria.”

“What?!”

“We need to work on that vocabulary, sis.”

“Sorry. Ok. Sorry. I am just… It’s a lot to process. I thought you barely knew one another!”

I sigh: “That’s what everyone seems to be thinking, yeah. I think we are the only ones who know how close we were, but then, that would make sense, wouldn’t it. We were never around together; we barely spoke outside school.”

“Did you have a crush on him?”

“I don’t think I fully realised it at the time until it was too late, but yeah, definitely. He was nice, caring, hot and he liked The Smiths, what’s there not to like. And now, he’s like the adult-sized version of that, which is even better, if possible.”

Laura nods: “What’s going to happen, do you think?”

I sigh again, get up and start to get changed: “Nothing. I don’t think this is anything past a crush that has come back to haunt us. I mean, if that’s even the case. I am not even sure we are on the same page with that, but all indications point in that direction. At the same time… I don’t want to avoid him, because he is the only one I am actually speaking to in town and around whom I don’t feel weird, but the whole thing could become weird, couldn’t it? I don’t want things to be weird between us. So, I will try and act normal.”

“Very grown up of you. Hopefully tomorrow you’ll look better.”

“What?”

“Yeah, you look like shit, tonight. But I suppose I’d look the same if I had almost kissed my childhood sweetheart, who’s just married.”

“Perfect summary. You know what, can you excuse me from dinner? Tell Anna I’m feeling ill or something? I just want to go to sleep.”

“Anything for you, sis.”

I push my head through a bright pink pyjama with cats on it, a gift from some coworker or other: “I think I need to process this and get over it. It might just have been too much, too quickly. I have plenty of things to focus on in the next few months and hopefully, I will manage to get away from here unscathed.”

Laura giggles: “It seems to me like you are happening to the town more than the opposite…”

My sister gives me a hug and motions to leave the room, when my phone pings:

SAMUEL: Hey

My stomach bottoms out. How has it gone from ok to gut-punch in the space of a day? What kind of can of worms have we opened while listening to Abba?

This day has lasted something like four months, it seems. I want to talk to Samuel, who, ironically, happens to be the one I shouldn’t talk to and the only one who understands me.

SAMUEL: Can I call you?

I hit the dial button.

“Hey,” says Samuel, his beautiful low, rich voice making me feel a little weak at the knees.

I’m sure he can hear the smile that blossoms in my face despite everything: “Hey again.”

I mouth to Laura, who is looking at me, worried, from the door: “it’s ok,” and she leaves, closing the door softly behind her.

Samuel sighs on the other side of the line: “I’m glad you sound ok,” he says.

“You’d love to find me crying, wouldn’t you?” God, why my stupid fucking mouth is always coming up with this sort of things? A sudden irritation at this whole situation has seized me, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

“Actually, no,” comes the reply, in a tired voice.

I sometimes tire myself, so I can imagine what it is to put up with me.

The call goes quiet for a heartbeat, then Samuel speaks again: “So. I just wanted to apologise for my behaviour earlier.”

“What, you mean giving me beer, letting me choose a record, and allowing my poor wet feet to dry and warm up? A monster, you are.”

“You can be extremely irritating when you want to be, you know that?”

“Hold onto that feeling, Marchetti. You don’t owe me an apology. If you did, I would too. I was right there with you. If Anna hadn’t called…”

I hear a deep hum on the other end of the line, which wipes away my irritation and does silly things to me.

“Not helping, Marchetti. And I’m sorry for being all over the place. Anything else you want to talk about?”

“I just wanted to hear your voice. I didn’t like the way you left. I wanted to talk more, to have a proper chat…”

“I think, right now, what we need is not to be alone in the same room, for a while at least. Nice, public, meetings are what we need in the future. Because I can’t be trusted around you, clearly.”

I am actually quite happy we are talking at all, not to mention that we are openly discussing this shitshow. I’ve had less meaningful conversations with some of my liaisons after a year.

“Ah, well. That makes two of us. You might be right. I will call you as soon as the snow is not too bad and we will tackle the painting.”

“You already told me that.”

“Right. Just wanted to be sure the message got across.”

“It got across, loud and clear.”

“Right. Ok.”

He doesn’t seem to want to hang up, yet. It’s my turn to take the lead: “And how are you feeling, Sami?”

He sighs on the other end of the line. I’m oddly comforted by the fact that it sounds so much like my own: “I am a bit discombobulated. You probably noticed that.” He laughs a small laugh: “I don’t want to talk about it, not like this. But… you are right, we can’t see one another if it’s not a safe space. By safe I mean public. I feel like shit towards Vicky too. But Ali… I don’t go around behaving like this with everyone, I just want you to know that.”

“I know.” And I do know. Because the pull that binds us is one of a kind.

“We can be adults, Sami. I am sure this doesn’t change anything in the grand scheme of things. This is only a what if.”

“A what?”

“Something Clara told me once, forget about it. The point is, I didn’t come here to turn your existence upside down. I am honestly, genuinely, delighted to be your friend. If this is what you want, I can make that work. Sami, having found you again is more important than anything else.”

I hope he understands I am not trying to give him an ultimatum of any kind. He’s got his own shit to sort out, and I am only but a part of the puzzle that is his life. I hope Samuel understands that I get it. That I get him.

“I need to sort myself out,” he says, in a small voice that sounds so unlike his normal self, it makes my heart break a little. “But Alice, the same goes for me. Finding you again has been the biggest stroke of luck that happened to me in a long time.”

There is a pause in the conversation, during which we both seem to calm down, and reach some sort of truce with ourselves.

The silence doesn’t feel tense, just a little sad and relieved, in equal parts.

“One step at a time?” I ask, finally. “One step at a time,” confirms Samuel.