Rewind and Play

1997

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Alice

It had been a great, some might say fantastic, winter break.

I went to the Alps and Clara had come along. I enjoyed it greatly, because for the last couple of years we had not been able to go, things being a bit tight in the money department.

So, when the time came for me to go get the bus for the first time in the new year, I was so ready for it. I was well rested, and very excited to share everything that had happened with Samuel.

It’s not like Samuel had disappeared from my adolescent brain, but it was different back then, much harder to stay in touch. No cell phones meant that everything was kept in separate boxes. Samuel belonged to a different box than the “real world.”

After that afternoon at the park, nothing had changed. I did not wash my wrist for what felt like a long time, hoping to keep Samuel’s drawing, but, eventually, the ink faded and the memory of that cold and yet warm morning had started to fade. I was none the wiser about Samuel’s relationship with his dad, either.

Samuel kept being himself, and Nico seemed to finally get over it. The last day of school before the break, Samuel gave me a big hug, bumping his forehead against mine slightly and saying, with a smile: “Have a nice Christmas, Giannelli. And remember, if you have to break someone’s heart, do it in person, no paper.”

To absolutely no one’s surprise, I did not break anyone’s heart; Nico had been a total accident, and not to be repeated.

That cold, early January morning, I was slightly nervous. I couldn’t really put a finger on why. I was so eager to see Sami: I missed talking to him, I missed his constant, gentle, teasing, our music talks. He had fast become one of my favourite people in the world.

The new bus was much improved; it still had that smell that can only be qualified as “new car.”

When I got on and found a place halfway through the corridor, I couldn’t help but fidget a little with the strap of my bag, while looking towards the bus entrance.

I suppose I was a little fearful that, in the span of two weeks, he had forgotten me, and wouldn’t want anything to do with me.

I rummaged into the backpack and fished out Harvest Moon. It was Neil Young at his cheesiest country phase, but I did find it very soothing and, sometimes, I even used it to lull myself to sleep.

Samuel’s arrival was felt more than seen, since I was looking out of the window, tapping my foot and trying (possibly too hard) to look cool.

“Happy new year!” Samuel exclaimed, letting himself fall heavily onto the seat, starting to take off his thick, brown leather coat.

The surge of relief was much bigger than I anticipated.

I turned towards him and couldn’t refrain from beaming.

“Sami!”

His arm went around and squeezed me against his body once, quickly.

“I missed you too, Ali.”

The relief/joy was enough that I didn’t even feel embarrassed by all the touching.

“Happy last stretch of the year, Sami.”

“Are you already trying to get rid of me?”

“Maybe… What have you been up to?”

“Nothing much. Not everyone is as rich as you are, my dear Giannelli.”

“Sure, like you don’t know that I also haven’t gone on holidays for the last two years. Anyway, anything new?”

“You first, anything new?”

“We’ve gone to the Alps and Clara came along, and we had a great time. After that, not much, no. The usual. I’ve been reading, listening to music and playing at the PC, while my mother was asking why I am not going out more.”

“Ah, the classics never get old.”

“So, you haven’t gone anywhere these days?”

“No, but I want to make some money so that next summer I can actually go somewhere with the guys. So, I went around and I asked your aunt Daniela if she could try me out at the restaurant, and I did, for three or four days, and I think I will keep going, they seemed happy with me.”

“Oh, at Il Cavallino? I would’ve gone if I had known you were around…”

“I thought you had had enough of me last year; I am sure you were happy with the respite.”

“Not at all,” the words rushed out of my mouth in a clear indication that my brain-mouth connection was not working properly when I was around Samuel.

“Now, now. That’s good to know. Your aunt is lovely, your uncle slightly scary but nice, and the place is doing fantastic. The food is really nice. I am happy they are running such that place; it deserves to be run by the right people.”

“Aunt Daniela is great. She’s by far my favourite in the family.”

“I think the feeling is mutual. Oh, I also started going out with Vittoria.”

Man, he could have given me a bit of a warning.

I was not expecting the rush to the head I suddenly experienced. Despite trying to come up with something, anything, to say, my only response wat to lean on the headrest and close my eyes for a second.

What was I expecting from Samuel, really? We were friends, but last year I had gone out with Nico for a while (going out was a bit of an exaggeration, but hey), and I had not spoken with him or had seen him around recently. And yet…

“Ali, are you ok?”

Samuel was pressing his leg against mine and looking at me with a slightly worried expression, as if he wanted to check if I had a fever or something.

“Sorry, I must not have eaten enough for breakfast,” I mumbled, pushing my fingertips into my eye sockets; “so, Vittoria. How come? Congratulations are in order, I believe.”

Samuel’s smile was quite contained: “She came with a friend for a pizza at Il Cavallino (Stupid fucking Cavallino, I thought, highly unfairly), one of the nights I was doing my trial. Once they stopped giggling, they were actually nice. When they were going out, Vicky left me her number on the table. That was at the start of the holidays, we’ve been hanging out since.”

Vicky. Ew. Vittoria, who was a year my senior and good at volleyball. Oh, and pretty, of course. My thoughts were more generically filled with something that flirted with jealousy. This girl, who had been nothing to Sami until a couple of weeks back, was spending time, non-bus, free time, with him. I had absolutely no right to think that way, of course, but then, there it was. It never crossed my mind, either, that, had I asked, maybe Samuel would have wanted to see me after school. I didn’t have enough self-confidence to think of myself as worth someone like Sami’s interest.

My yearnings were a fuzzy, jumbled thing I was not equipped to unpack or explain, let alone resolve.

And for all these reasons, my first coherent thought was, of course: well, I’ll have to get myself a boyfriend too, now.